The Fear of Postponing Happiness

A person walking beside the freeway at night in heavy rain with an umbrella.

“Do I delay my lifelong dreams for current responsibilities or… wait… what’s the “or”?

This question has hovered and burned through brain about million times over the last year or two, more so since moving to Vancouver. I have dreams of becoming an entrepreneur, on my own hours and expectations, working for myself and with the friends and colleagues I have already grown a network with – but for life, for a living. Though, what always seems to happen is, life gets in the way.

After constant back-and-forths, spirals, questions, and “but”s, I have yet to make a conclusion… Exhibit A:

Here are what you would call my “excuses”: I’m taking 6 courses in my first semester, more than anyone I’ve met in any faculty and any year so far, and I’m still settling into living in a random family’s home office (its a Homestay, I’m safe, I’m just being dramatic, but it is still the reality of my living situation).

With my Instagram feed being constant self-improvement and motivational speeches, quotes and reels, it makes sense as to what my passions, desires and goals include. But, then the question becomes – why can’t I seem to live to the “do it tired, do it if its hard, do it anyway”, the “escape the matrix”, the “up before her alarm” lifestyle? I so desperately want to, and then I think again… I’m not a machine.

I see all these kids getting successful, doing what they love, making millions at 13, 15, 17 years old. What did they do so early on in life to make things work for them? Will I end up “joining the majority” if I don’t start and stay consistent now? Am I already too old for a life of success?

But then, what if my life ends up looking like the life of Justin Kan, the creator of infamous video live streaming platform Twitch who achieved all of his goals so early on in life to the point where, when he sold Twitch to Amazon, he had nothing more to do in life, even with his new $970 million dollars. I have goals though. Many, perhaps too many for the short time I have on this earth. But, again, they do say that not every goal is meant to be accomplished, but rather add constant direction to your life.

Here I am, 18 years old, alone and fresh to university and a whole other part of the country, thinking “what now?”.

Do I delay my lifelong dreams to simply accomplish what is at hand at the moment? Or, do I absolutely grinddd and push through for better? But, what if I burn out? I’ll just continue with my strategies for preventing burn out, it works for the most part… I think?

Am I doing enough? What if I’m not doing enough?

Am I too young for this? That’s what all the adults say…

But what does it matter what the adults think if I want a different life than them… right…?

To other the fellow youngsters out there having this oddly similar to a mid-life crisis situation – you’re not alone and you do in fact have time. You’re on your path, with its own time frame and twists and turns. Its one heck of a concept to wrap your head around – I can’t say I have… we’ll get there one day…

won’t we?

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